Category: Cherised the Love


An Eternal Memory

20120728-162327.jpg

Happiness, its been no friend to me
But forever after aint what its all cracked up to be
Yeah, I had a taste, you were my fantasy
But I lost my faith when I hit reality
I dont need no guru to tell me what to do
When your feeling like a headline on
Yesterdays news

Come on, come on, come on
Give me something for the pain
Give me something for the blues
Give me something for the pain when
I feel Ive been danglin from a hang-mans noose
Give me something I can use
To get me through the night
Make me feel all right,
Something like you

Loneliness has found a home in me
My suitcase and guitar are my only family
Ive tried to need someone, like they needed me
I opened up my heart, but all I did was bleed
I dont need no lover, just to get screwed
They dont make a bandage, thats going to cover my bruise

Come on, come on, come on
Give me something for the pain
Give me something for the blues
Give me something for the pain when
I feel Ive been danglin from a hang-mans noose
Give me something I can use
To get me through the night
Make me feel all right,
Something like you

Pull me under (help Im falling)
Run through my veins (night is calling)
To a place (feels like Im flying)
Where I feel no pain (christ Im dying)
Be the pillow under my head
Cover me when Im in your bed
Take me higher than Ive ever been
Take me down and back again
Come to me, be my disguise
Open your coat, let me crawl inside

*Bon Jovi Lyric that suits what I feel now

It’s raining again this afternoon in Siem Reap, not as big as yesterday. I stay in my room with blanket on. I am tired, so tired, have mild headache but I cannot have a nap that I need. My body a bit warm, I can feel the heat on my forehead too.

I switched the TV on with the hope I can doze off while watching it. I watch Nat Geo Wild, it showed Aforest in Russia with the wild life in that forest. When the screen showed the beach with new born turtles tried to reach the shore, suddenly I remember the beach at Westin Hotel that we visited last year on October, Baby! I remember Bali Classic, I remember the dinner we had at the beach that night, a wonderful quiet night, I remember we sat at the bar near the beach every afternoon… That beautiful beach that I won’t see anymore. I won’t go there this October for Bali Classic, because you’re not here with me…

I cried, Baby. I cried again remember you. Remember all those memories we had together in Bali. All the memories about us… Why you have to go this soon? Why you left me all alone? I need you now, Baby. I need you the most now, when I do not feel good, when I have headache like this, all I need is you, Love… God, please give me strength to face all of this…

As my husband of 62 years old passed away on that day, Wednesday, April 25, 2012, the anguish and the pain within me welled like a dam ready to burst, my future seems bleak and dark. The first thing come in my mind was how can I live without you, Baby?

I never imagine that my dear Hubby will leave me this soon. Our wedding day was seem like yesterday. When we both said our vow, that we will love each other, saying I love you everyday, and we will be together till death do us part. But I didn’t realize that this “till death do us part” come this soon. I wasn’t prepared for this separation. I believe nobody will prepare for this apart. We were only briefly married, 1 year 7 months with him being away for work as a consultant in Doha with 28 – 14 rotation made us not having phisically time together. I feel my pain and anger at the unfairness boiled inside me. How can it be like this? This is totally unfair…

My dear Hubby’s death leaves an emptiness that is hard to fill within me. There’s no one in the house with whom to share the events of the day, discuss the fabrics colour for my quilts, the bills that we have to pay, talked about the movies, and achievements of his grandchildren and our niece, Alika.

It is not just that I will miss my husband’s company, his sense of humour, his cooking, his steaks, and his astute and acerbic commentary at movies. There are also practical issues that serve as daily reminders of his absence. Who will make me scramble eggs for breakfast the way I want it, arrange the ticket for our travel, grill the steaks for me, comfort me when I’m sad and feel down? What about our dream house? That we planned to build in our land, the house with all the deatils that we discussed together? With a big space for barbeque for him?

Billy died on April 25, 28 days before his birthday, 19 days before our trip to Oklahoma, USA for our summer holiday and to attend his 45th High School Reunion in Duncan, Oklahoma. As always he already arranged the ticket to go to Oklahoma, but this time he hasn’t paid it. He siad he will pay the ticket on Friday this week as he wanted to go to Qatar Airways office to upgrade my ticket.

I do realize that my life is very rich. I have many interests, a wonderful, caring family and a large network of dear friends to whom I can turn for emotional support, advice and companionship. My sister, my brother and my sister in law love me with all their heart. They support me 100%, but it’s just different without a spouse/husband on my side. I can tell and share anuthing with him, my doubt, my plan, my dream, my fear, and my happiness.

I lost my father, whom I adored and who remained an extraordinarily important person in my life until he passed away in March 31, 2006 when I was a 35 year-old and I was still single. Though sad about all he would miss — especially the grandchildren he doted on — I managed my sadness about my lost of him. I cried for years after my father passed away, as I was his baby girl. And I wasn’t on his side when he’s gone. I was in Florida that time visiting my friend and I couldn’t get flight on time as there was sortm and snow in Denver.

I have no children with Billy, but his 2 daughters from his previous marriage, Jesicca and Misty are very nice to me. My relationship with them is very good and close. Especially since my Hubby passed away. I chat via skype often and also emails almost everyday. We support each other, we cried together and shared story about how we overcome the sadness, hiw we face our day without him anymore. We still cried sometimes whenever we chat on skype if we talked about him.

My dear Hubby was a wonderful husband, he was a great man and a lovely father and caring Papa to his grandchildren. He had a big heart. An old friend of him long time ago in Balikpapan, Indonesia gave him a nickname Two Bears. Because his body was big. But not only his body that big, his heart also big. He loved to help people. His family was his precious thing. He always communicate his his girls almost everyday via email or phone call. Even if he and his daugther world apart but their relation was really close.

For his friend close friends he was Two Bears. For his daughter he was Great Dad. For his grandchildren he was Papa Bear. For me he was my Baby, my love, my everything. Rest in peace my love. Rest in peace my Two Bears. You will be missed dealry. I love and miss you, Baby! See you in my dream again tonight…

I was on my bed playing with my iPad, moving from Facebook Page and the other when suddenly I heard something about Doha on TV. My heart leaped and I stopped what I was doing and looked to TV screen in my hotel room. It’s CNN showing program Future Cities and they featuring Doha – Qatar. Yes, it’s Doha, your city, Baby! I watched until the show finished and I didn’t realize that my eyes wet. Some places shown on TV by CNN, I was there, it’ brought back the memories about the city, about you!

Everytime I heard about Doha, it made my heart poignant and painful. It was where you worked for almost 6 years, until the last contract finished this year in February. I heard a lot about Doha from you. How you hate the dust, the dust storm, the windy day full of dust, the heat during summer and the cold during winter. You loved it when it’s winter, when the weather was cold and made you happy. Even sometimes you had to wear your jacket.

You told me about the shouks in Doha, where you used to buy the jewelries for me. I still have all of them, Love. I will keep them forever with me. The show on CNN also covered about the Islamic museum that I went there with Sally Mitchel. Too bad that I only can go to Doha once, it was in 2010 on our way back from the States. You were able to get me visa for 2 days. It’s sad that as an Indonesian I cannot get visa easily. I need sponsor letter from a company to get visa to Doha, while you were only a consultant so you cannot get visa for your wife.

We communicated everyday when you were in Doha. Every morning we exchange emails, shared about how we slept the night before, what breakfast we had,mand what’s our plan for that day. You will tell if you have meeting that day, if you will have free lunch after meeting and if there’s any emails from the girls in the States. You will remind me to eat good, to take care of myself and to have fun. At around 5pm in the afternoon, you will send me eamil to tell me that your work almost done, that you will elave office very soon, and what you have done at work that day. And between that timing during lunch time sometimes if something comes up we will exchange emails to discuss something. These activities we did everyday when you were away in Doha. Of course we also exchange sms beside emails. Sometimes before I went to sleep, I sent you message to tell you that I will go to sleep, that I love younso much. On the other hand you also surprised me with yournlovely sms, told me tell you loved me and wished me well. Oh how I missed thoses activities between us, Love. How we communicate very good. How we expressed our feeling everyday. It made our life beautiful.

I still remember you will call me directly if you didn’t receive my response to your email in 5 minutes. You will get panic and wanted to know what’s going on with me. Sometimes I teased you for that. We had a really good time together, right Love?
the CNN’s show already finished, but my memory about you and Doha will not finish, the memory will stay in my heart forever. Still, whenever I hear about Doha, directly and cannot help it, I will think about you, Love. Rest well my Love, Rest in Peace. I am thinking about younalways. I love and miss you, Baby! See you in my dream tonight. XOXOXO

Today, 3 months ago, it was Wednesday, April 25, 2012 was the day when my world shattered. The day you left me forever, my Love. I carry you in my heart wherever I go. You’re my spirit. I will continue my life with the love I feel for you inside my heart. I love and miss you, Baby. I see you in my dream tonight! XOXOXO

I just hate it whenever this feeling come. Feel lonely, empty, and sad. Don’t know what to do and everything seems wrong. No program on TV interest me. Nothing that I can do can cheer me up. I do anything like automatically, without thinking or feeling.

I started to feel like this since you’re gone, Love. My days seem like has no meaning anymore. I feel like a robot. I don’t see anymore light in my eyes. Thre’s so much that I can do or should do but I am so reluctant to do it. I do not want to cry anymore, Baby but I cannot help it.

It’s been so hard, really hard for me. Never expect to be apart from you this soon. You always said that I was a tough cookie, but I am not anymore I guess. You’re my backbone that made me strong. How can I be strong without you beside me? Without your nice words and your smile. You gave me everything, anything I wanted. Not that I needed but I wanted. You never complaint about what I did. You always gave and provide the best of everything for me. You spoiled me rotten. You supported me in everyway. You called me STBW, stand for My simply The Best Wife. You always said that I was the best thing ever happened in your life. Everyday, never failed you always said, “I love you more today than yesterday”, as per your vow in our wedding. You fulfiled your vow without failed.

Oh love, I want to stop whining, crying and complaining about this sadness and emptiness that I feel. But how can I do that? Nobody I can talk to. nobody understand what I feel for you, Love. Please come into my dream again tonight, Love so I can tell you everything that I have in my heart. I need you my Simply The Best Husband! I need you the most. You’re the best that I ever have… I love and miss you, Baby… XOXOXO

Oh how I miss u
Wish you could come back to
a time we both knew
Just me and you
Oh how I wish you knew how much I need you
Want to greet you when you come home
The door, a smiling face I will see no more
One I will never have a chance to adore anymore
Oh how I wish you could come home
Just a hug could make me feel like I was never alone
How your death has me blown
Oh how I wish you knew how nothing in my life will ever be the same
The thought of hearing your name
And all the great memories it brings
Oh how I wish you knew how bad I want to be beside you
Yes I realize how hard you tried to provide all the comforts for me
How I wish you knew how long this poem could go on
So much I miss you
And God has blessed me with the memory of you to hold and remember

Forever and ever Billy Lawson, I love you…

Saudade

Saudade (European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ], Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadi] or [sawˈdadʒi], Galician: [sawˈðaðe]; plural saudades)[1] is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It’s related to the feelings of longing, yearning.

That is what I feel about my dear Hubby, Billy Lawson, the one I loved the most who left me forever to be home with God on Wednesday early morning, in April 25, 2012. It’s been 108 days already he left me, away from me. I didn’t know that he will leave me that soon. I still need him in everyway. He was my everything, my support, my love and my saviour. We been through our marriage for 1 year 7 months. We had our beautiful moment together. It was really short for me, but my dear Hubby gave me everything.

And now, everyday I still cry remembering the good times we shared together, remembering the laughter we shared, remembering every single things we did together. Everything that I see now looks gloomy. No more beauty in my eyes. Only bitternes. I still can laugh with people, I act normal in front of people but actually I am broken inside. I feel like want to bang my head on the wall 😦
I cannot write anymore, my eyes wet withbtears, I cannot see 😦 I love and miss you Baby! See you in my dream tonight! XOXOXO

Tears