Archive for July, 2012

An Eternal Memory



Happiness, its been no friend to me
But forever after aint what its all cracked up to be
Yeah, I had a taste, you were my fantasy
But I lost my faith when I hit reality
I dont need no guru to tell me what to do
When your feeling like a headline on
Yesterdays news

Come on, come on, come on
Give me something for the pain
Give me something for the blues
Give me something for the pain when
I feel Ive been danglin from a hang-mans noose
Give me something I can use
To get me through the night
Make me feel all right,
Something like you

Loneliness has found a home in me
My suitcase and guitar are my only family
Ive tried to need someone, like they needed me
I opened up my heart, but all I did was bleed
I dont need no lover, just to get screwed
They dont make a bandage, thats going to cover my bruise

Come on, come on, come on
Give me something for the pain
Give me something for the blues
Give me something for the pain when
I feel Ive been danglin from a hang-mans noose
Give me something I can use
To get me through the night
Make me feel all right,
Something like you

Pull me under (help Im falling)
Run through my veins (night is calling)
To a place (feels like Im flying)
Where I feel no pain (christ Im dying)
Be the pillow under my head
Cover me when Im in your bed
Take me higher than Ive ever been
Take me down and back again
Come to me, be my disguise
Open your coat, let me crawl inside

*Bon Jovi Lyric that suits what I feel now

It’s raining again this afternoon in Siem Reap, not as big as yesterday. I stay in my room with blanket on. I am tired, so tired, have mild headache but I cannot have a nap that I need. My body a bit warm, I can feel the heat on my forehead too.

I switched the TV on with the hope I can doze off while watching it. I watch Nat Geo Wild, it showed Aforest in Russia with the wild life in that forest. When the screen showed the beach with new born turtles tried to reach the shore, suddenly I remember the beach at Westin Hotel that we visited last year on October, Baby! I remember Bali Classic, I remember the dinner we had at the beach that night, a wonderful quiet night, I remember we sat at the bar near the beach every afternoon… That beautiful beach that I won’t see anymore. I won’t go there this October for Bali Classic, because you’re not here with me…

I cried, Baby. I cried again remember you. Remember all those memories we had together in Bali. All the memories about us… Why you have to go this soon? Why you left me all alone? I need you now, Baby. I need you the most now, when I do not feel good, when I have headache like this, all I need is you, Love… God, please give me strength to face all of this…

Quiet Evening

I am literaly stayed in my hotel room today and not going anywhere. My diarhea gone I think as I didn’t go to the bathroom since the last time I did this morning. But my cold stays 😦 I was a bit better this morning till lunch time, but after around 4pm I started sneezing again. Had my actived at lunch time and I just had the night pill too. Hope it will stop my cold. Being in the room the whole day gave me mixed feeling, bored, sad, but I think it’s good to help me recover and gain my strength back.

I had massage too this afternoon as my body started aching. I feel a bit better after massage. It’s raining for a while, big rain with strong wind.The rain make the weather cooler. I saw the rain from my window, the dark murky sky looked scarry. I kept on changing TV channel to entertain me. From CSI series, History Channel, and Discovery Channel. Managed to sleep on and off, but I don’t know why I have aching muscle and body. I do hope I feel better tomorrow.

Inga came and knocked my door to check my condition and wanted to know whether I will join them for dinner. I told her I won’t join as I still not feeling well. The internet connection was crashed a while after big rain that’s why she didn’t receive my message on facebook. It’s quiet evening and alone in my room. Feeling my aching body while watch TV. I drank a lot mineral water with the hope it will help to make me better soon. And I hope I can sleep soundly tonight.

As my husband of 62 years old passed away on that day, Wednesday, April 25, 2012, the anguish and the pain within me welled like a dam ready to burst, my future seems bleak and dark. The first thing come in my mind was how can I live without you, Baby?

I never imagine that my dear Hubby will leave me this soon. Our wedding day was seem like yesterday. When we both said our vow, that we will love each other, saying I love you everyday, and we will be together till death do us part. But I didn’t realize that this “till death do us part” come this soon. I wasn’t prepared for this separation. I believe nobody will prepare for this apart. We were only briefly married, 1 year 7 months with him being away for work as a consultant in Doha with 28 – 14 rotation made us not having phisically time together. I feel my pain and anger at the unfairness boiled inside me. How can it be like this? This is totally unfair…

My dear Hubby’s death leaves an emptiness that is hard to fill within me. There’s no one in the house with whom to share the events of the day, discuss the fabrics colour for my quilts, the bills that we have to pay, talked about the movies, and achievements of his grandchildren and our niece, Alika.

It is not just that I will miss my husband’s company, his sense of humour, his cooking, his steaks, and his astute and acerbic commentary at movies. There are also practical issues that serve as daily reminders of his absence. Who will make me scramble eggs for breakfast the way I want it, arrange the ticket for our travel, grill the steaks for me, comfort me when I’m sad and feel down? What about our dream house? That we planned to build in our land, the house with all the deatils that we discussed together? With a big space for barbeque for him?

Billy died on April 25, 28 days before his birthday, 19 days before our trip to Oklahoma, USA for our summer holiday and to attend his 45th High School Reunion in Duncan, Oklahoma. As always he already arranged the ticket to go to Oklahoma, but this time he hasn’t paid it. He siad he will pay the ticket on Friday this week as he wanted to go to Qatar Airways office to upgrade my ticket.

I do realize that my life is very rich. I have many interests, a wonderful, caring family and a large network of dear friends to whom I can turn for emotional support, advice and companionship. My sister, my brother and my sister in law love me with all their heart. They support me 100%, but it’s just different without a spouse/husband on my side. I can tell and share anuthing with him, my doubt, my plan, my dream, my fear, and my happiness.

I lost my father, whom I adored and who remained an extraordinarily important person in my life until he passed away in March 31, 2006 when I was a 35 year-old and I was still single. Though sad about all he would miss — especially the grandchildren he doted on — I managed my sadness about my lost of him. I cried for years after my father passed away, as I was his baby girl. And I wasn’t on his side when he’s gone. I was in Florida that time visiting my friend and I couldn’t get flight on time as there was sortm and snow in Denver.

I have no children with Billy, but his 2 daughters from his previous marriage, Jesicca and Misty are very nice to me. My relationship with them is very good and close. Especially since my Hubby passed away. I chat via skype often and also emails almost everyday. We support each other, we cried together and shared story about how we overcome the sadness, hiw we face our day without him anymore. We still cried sometimes whenever we chat on skype if we talked about him.

My dear Hubby was a wonderful husband, he was a great man and a lovely father and caring Papa to his grandchildren. He had a big heart. An old friend of him long time ago in Balikpapan, Indonesia gave him a nickname Two Bears. Because his body was big. But not only his body that big, his heart also big. He loved to help people. His family was his precious thing. He always communicate his his girls almost everyday via email or phone call. Even if he and his daugther world apart but their relation was really close.

For his friend close friends he was Two Bears. For his daughter he was Great Dad. For his grandchildren he was Papa Bear. For me he was my Baby, my love, my everything. Rest in peace my love. Rest in peace my Two Bears. You will be missed dealry. I love and miss you, Baby! See you in my dream again tonight…

I woke up at 03.00 this morning and still din’t feel well even if I had blue Actived pill before I slept. My nose still clogged but my headache almost gone. Then I went to bathroom for pee but then I found out that I have diarhea 😦 I went back to my bed with an upset tummy. While I lied down I remember that I felt like I just saw my dear Hubby. Yes, I dreamt of him! I saw him with the white shirt and blue short and he lied down on the bed, he wanted me to come to him watch TV with him, hug him and kissed him. But I was busy running around and I only waved to him, meaning I will do that later. He watched me running around in that room, but then I woke up. I regreted what I did. I should have done what he wanted me to do 😦 I wish I could replay my dream and did what I wanted to do. At least I saw you in my dream, Baby. You looked good, though. It makes me happy tomsee you looked good. The dream about you will brighten my day for sure…

I had my breakfast already and had my morning Actived. Hope it will help my cold. I decided to stay in my room today, rest totally so I can be 100% again. No more diarhea too I hope, after 3 times this morning. And I feel my tummy is not upset anymore like this early morning. I am not sure why I have this cold and diarhea. I ate good yesterday.

Clemens knocked my door this morning and gave me the baguette that he bought at the home bakery tat we visited yesterday. Very nice of him to do this for me. He still sweating from bicycling to that bakery. With his iPhone earphone cable dangling on his ears. He’s really nice and looked concerned when I told him I am still not well and had diarhea even. Anyway, thank you for the baguette. Talked about Clemens make me remember that we planned to go to Lucky Mall for lunch together with the girls at the Sushi Place. I hope I feel better later so I can join them. I will send message to Clemens to check with me later if I can join with them. I am sure I will be fine later. It’s hard to miss Sushi 🙂

I was on my bed playing with my iPad, moving from Facebook Page and the other when suddenly I heard something about Doha on TV. My heart leaped and I stopped what I was doing and looked to TV screen in my hotel room. It’s CNN showing program Future Cities and they featuring Doha – Qatar. Yes, it’s Doha, your city, Baby! I watched until the show finished and I didn’t realize that my eyes wet. Some places shown on TV by CNN, I was there, it’ brought back the memories about the city, about you!

Everytime I heard about Doha, it made my heart poignant and painful. It was where you worked for almost 6 years, until the last contract finished this year in February. I heard a lot about Doha from you. How you hate the dust, the dust storm, the windy day full of dust, the heat during summer and the cold during winter. You loved it when it’s winter, when the weather was cold and made you happy. Even sometimes you had to wear your jacket.

You told me about the shouks in Doha, where you used to buy the jewelries for me. I still have all of them, Love. I will keep them forever with me. The show on CNN also covered about the Islamic museum that I went there with Sally Mitchel. Too bad that I only can go to Doha once, it was in 2010 on our way back from the States. You were able to get me visa for 2 days. It’s sad that as an Indonesian I cannot get visa easily. I need sponsor letter from a company to get visa to Doha, while you were only a consultant so you cannot get visa for your wife.

We communicated everyday when you were in Doha. Every morning we exchange emails, shared about how we slept the night before, what breakfast we had,mand what’s our plan for that day. You will tell if you have meeting that day, if you will have free lunch after meeting and if there’s any emails from the girls in the States. You will remind me to eat good, to take care of myself and to have fun. At around 5pm in the afternoon, you will send me eamil to tell me that your work almost done, that you will elave office very soon, and what you have done at work that day. And between that timing during lunch time sometimes if something comes up we will exchange emails to discuss something. These activities we did everyday when you were away in Doha. Of course we also exchange sms beside emails. Sometimes before I went to sleep, I sent you message to tell you that I will go to sleep, that I love younso much. On the other hand you also surprised me with yournlovely sms, told me tell you loved me and wished me well. Oh how I missed thoses activities between us, Love. How we communicate very good. How we expressed our feeling everyday. It made our life beautiful.

I still remember you will call me directly if you didn’t receive my response to your email in 5 minutes. You will get panic and wanted to know what’s going on with me. Sometimes I teased you for that. We had a really good time together, right Love?
the CNN’s show already finished, but my memory about you and Doha will not finish, the memory will stay in my heart forever. Still, whenever I hear about Doha, directly and cannot help it, I will think about you, Love. Rest well my Love, Rest in Peace. I am thinking about younalways. I love and miss you, Baby! See you in my dream tonight. XOXOXO

Today, 3 months ago, it was Wednesday, April 25, 2012 was the day when my world shattered. The day you left me forever, my Love. I carry you in my heart wherever I go. You’re my spirit. I will continue my life with the love I feel for you inside my heart. I love and miss you, Baby. I see you in my dream tonight! XOXOXO

Jasmine Flower


Jasmine is a well-know flower throughout the world. Belonging to the
olive family Oleaceae, it represents the genus Jasminum. Having about 200 species, the flower inhabits in the tropical and warm climate regions of the Europe, Asia, and Africa. These attractive
blooms are worn by females in their hair in the regions of southern and southeast Asia. The blooming time of the plant is in such seasons as summer or spring. It usually flowers half a year after being planted.

I love the smell of jasmine, it’s so fragrant but soft and fresh. I love to put a few buds in my bedroom or livingroom and my rooms will smell sooo good! Like here now in the hotel that I stay, there’s a Jasmine pot plant on the second floor. And every morning whenever I went to the restaurant for breakfat on the 3rd floor I will stop by and picked few buds that blooming, and then I put the buds on the small table next to my bed. My room smell so lovely! Love it!

After breakfast this morning, I went back to my room at the hotel and sent message to my brother via imessage to ask him whetehr I can chat with Alika before I go to visit to orphanage. Thank God he replied right away and said that he and Alika are available to chat.

Alika still in her PJ’s this morning, in her blue PJ’s with yellow cat picture on it. She showed me the cat and told me that she has 3 PJ’s like this, with elephant and giraffe on it. Cute. My brother told me that Alika was upset and pouting before we chat as her Mom didn’t allow Alika to watch TV because Alika pee on her pant 🙂 But after her Daddy explained why she didin’t allow to do that, she understand and not upset anymore.

Cute Alika. After chat with her for about 20 minutes I said goodbye to her with the promise to chat again tomorrow morning. Chat with Alika always entertained me. It will brighten my day to see her. Big hug and love from Bude Alika. Bude love you so much!