Archive for May, 2012

Written on May 29, 2012 at 23.33, Comanche, Oklahoma

Here I am at Jessica’s houuse, in Bryson’s room, the room we used to sleep whenever we come for visit to Oklahoma. It’s quiet, very quiet and I feel lonely. No more you with me in this room, Baby. I will sleep alone tonight 😦 
I miss your complaint about the blanket that I took whenever I rolled over. You always blamed me on that. I will a bit upset whenever you said that as I didn’t do it in purpose and I didn’t realize that I made that trouble 😦
I won’t mind Baby, if you want to complaint now. I would rather to hear your complaint all night rather than facing this silent in this room.
I just sent you a silent pray, Love. I prayed to God to forgive all of your mistakes and wrong doing in the past. I I prayed that God will give you the best place for you next to him…
The sound of the wind outside accompany me now. Sometimes I hear thunder far away. I miss you so much, Baby. I miss you and love you so much…
I wanna be with you again in this city. I miss your company. I miss being together with you… I miss everything of you…
I love and miss you Baby. I see you in my dream tonight. XOXOXO…


Doha Lounge

Sitting here at the lounge after shower and breakfast. Mixed up feeling fill my heart. This used to be our meeting point, Love. I cried by teh time I walked into Duty Free, as you usually greted me tjere with your big smile, with your red traveling shirt and your lounge pants. You were not there to greet me. I am sad and lonely. I could have some sleep on the plane from Jakarta to Doha. Some turbulences but still I can sleep and I feel ok now.jessica and Misty ben good to me. I saw Jessica crying when we landed this morning. I will remember this trip together with Jessica and Misty all my life. We might not been able to fly together like this again in future. This is beacause of you, Love. Ypur gals very nice to me, i know they love me. I love them too with all my heart. Part of you is with them, looking at them make me feel like I am looking at you. Doha has a lot of meaning to me. You ised to worked here, you earned money for us here. I sit at the lounge now looking out of the window. Looking out at the city used to be yours. I am sad, Love. I miss you. And i love you so much. I want you to be here with me like we used to be 😦 I see you in my dream tonight, Love…xoxoxo

It’s sad here Baby, without you is so hard. I drink Jack Daniels like we used to do together here. My heart keep on singing Bon Jovi’s song; it’s hard so hard. It’s tearing up my heart. It’s letting you go… I love and miss you Baby


Went to an exhibition Jakarta Convention Center with Indi and I found some batik with old patterns for my quilts. I am happy to get them, cheap batik just as I wanted. I did’t buy batik for my dress as you won’t be here to see me with you batk dress, baby. I was sad at the axhibition as I had the different feeling today, not as happy and excited as last time when I went to the same kind exhibition and you were still around 😦 I miss you dearly Baby. I miss you deeply 😦

Go with my sister, Indi to her apartment, Marbella Kemang and I feel sad remembering you, Baby. Last time I went to this apartment, you’re still alive and well. My heart hurt thinking about this, Love. I miss you so much, Love. Rest in Peace

Do You Remember

I saw you in a dream
I saw you in the wind
You spoke to me, gentle words,
soothing my mind
caressing my heart
Just the way you looked at me
Your face the most beautiful
I’d ever seen radiant, shining
I’d never felt love like it before
The first time you kissed my heart
Ecstasy peace do you remember love?
My lost, lost love
As I kneel near my lost, lost love wondering why
the Lord above, took him from my  loving heart,
I could only imagine knelt by his precious side,
Looking at his motionless, limp body
my heart aches with sorrow and pain
As the tears stream down my pale cheeks
staining individuals paths
down to my very chin, each tear is for you, Two Bears dear
and for how i wish you were alive and well
The precious and dear memories I shall have of you, Two Bears dear,
and how I shall miss you on a day-to-day basis!
My thought are of you, Two Bears dear,
and your memories shall always be with me,
my heart shall be yours for eternity
You’re my my dear Two Bears whom I truly love,
for one day we shall meet again.
Until our precious reunion, Two Bears dear
may I say my beautiful prayers for you
to express my inner grief and sorrow
that I have for you deeply within.
With all m y love to my 2bears, Billy Lawson

I start to feel empty again. Looking at your picture help a bit. But I want to see you in person, Love. I miss our laugh, I miss our time together. I miss to cook you dinner… I miss to watch TV together with you.
Rest in peace, baby. I love and miss you so much…

Gemulai bak penari
Menarikan tarian jiwa
Bebas mengayun
Sesuai irama alam
Tanpa paksaan…
Tanpa perlawanan…
Nuansa teduh dan mistis
yang tercipta,
Membuai jiwa yang dahaga
akan kelembutan dan cinta
Gemerisik suara yang timbul
bagaikan suara dari surga
Menyanyikan lagu lagu
cinta ciptaan dewa

Memandangmu membuat jiwa ini
terasa damai
Laksana dikelilingi dewi dewi
Yang menari diiringi
senandung yang dinyanyikan
para dewa…

Warnamu menyejukan mata, jernih tak bernoda
yang lelah memandang semua kepalsuan yang ada
Tiada pernah puas jiwa ini
berada didekatmu, bersamamu
memandangimu, meresapi apa adanya dirimu
Wahai rumpun bambuku
Aku akan senantiasa kembali padamu
Untuk menemukan kembali
Kedamaian, keindahan, kelembutan
Yang telah aus termakan waktu
dan keangkuhan jiwa
Ku tahu kau takkan pernah bosan menantiku
Tuk melabuhkan

*Puisi ini aku buat di Jakarta, 25 maret 2007, saat mengikuti Program LP 72, Asia Works Indonesia

So far feel ok. Cried only this morning when Anna suddenly asked whether she can see her Papa Bear. And then Misty and me cried… Sweet Anna, she missed her Papa Bear. She missed you, Baby! She missed you like me, Baby. I miss you so so much. I don’t feel good righ now, I got headache and my shoulder and neck are stiff 😦 I will have reflexiology after this, my sister Indy is having it now.
Watch law and order back to back on Universal Channel. I know you didn’t like Law and Order, baby, but nothing else on that I can watch.
This is pain is still here in my heart. still bleeding. I miss you dearly, Baby. I love and miss you so much my 2bears….